Monday Jokes

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.
One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted.
"Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry.

"Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"

"Yes sir," the Sgt. Major replies.

"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

Last Words

Malaysian Joke

Two old friends - a Chinaman and a Malay were having a conversation recently ...

Apek: Lu potong zaka ada bagut ka?
Ali: Manyak bagut. Bila lu potong haa lu punya barang manyak bersih loo...

Apek: ?!! err ... saya kawan ada cakap, potong zaka aaahh.... manyak ploblem..
Ali: Apa probrem ?

Apek: Manyak buang lui, lagi aahh ... dia punya performance tatak bagut... manyak cinang semputloh ..
Ali: Cehh... apek, lu apa celita... saya suda lama potong. tada apa problem... bini saya manyak puas woo...

Apek: Lu mini puas sama itu potong zaka ka?
Ali: Ya laa. Bila lu potong aahh... lagi sedap maen woo.. lu lagi lambat pancut..

Apek: ???!!! err... lu punya 1.3 atau 1.5??
Ali: ??!! woi apek cakap baik2 sikit ha .. saya punya 6 inci laa..

Apek: ??! Tiu nia ma... lu jgn maen2 haa... mana ada potong zaka 6 inci..
Ali: Cilaka apek ni...nah tengok (opens his trousers)

Apek: Chee sin punya olang.....gua tanya baik2 ... lu tunjuk lu punya lanchiau..
Ali: Abis... lu tarak percaya..saya tunjuk la..

Apek: Saya tatak tanya sama lu punya lanchiau... Saya tanya lu pasal itu nasional car... potong zaka.. molo punya olang..
Ali: Aiya... apek... lain kali lu sebut betul2 la....kasi susa saja.. Bukan potong zaka la..... proton saga........

Monday Jokes

The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful sexy young woman.

"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"

The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."

"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep."

"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days.

Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away.

Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don’t wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.

After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me,

"Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"

Here In my Heart, Always

Wherever you are tonight, girl
I'll see you in my dreams
Wherever I go tomorrow
You'll be here next to me
And though we are a world apart
I know you'll never be that far'
Cause Here in my heart, there's a picture of us
Together forever, unfaded and unbroken
Wherever you are, your love covers me
Forevermore, you'll be here in my heart
Whenever I miss, miss you so much
It's more than I can bear
No, I won't cry, I'll just close my eyes
And know you'll be there
Your kiss and your touch
I'll never forget'
Cause you're as close as my very next breath