Monday Jokes

A newly wed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, Although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.



So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back... "



"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer. "

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.



The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."



He didn't get to finish the sentence, Because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face ?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.



The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"



"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "



But sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that ..."



"You want dirty words, Cutie pie?... LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING NYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?" ....



And, they lived happily ever after.

Very the Long "Toblerone" Chocolate

She sure really know how to get ON & ON & ON & ON & ON ppl's nerve...........GERAM!!!!!!!!

Office Memo

TO: All Employees

FROM: Human Resources

SUBJECT: Foul Language

DATE: February 28, 2008



It has been brought to management's attention that individualsthroughout the company have been using foul language duringthe course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Dueto complaints received from employees who may be easilyoffended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.We do however, realize the critical importance of being ableto accurately express your feelings when communicating withco-workers.Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been providedso that the proper exchange of ideas and information cancontinue in an effective manner, without risk the of offendingour more sensitive employees.



TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?



TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No fucking way



TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!



TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.



TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.

INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.



TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.



TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?



TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.



TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?



TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?



TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.



TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.



TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.



TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.



TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.



TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.



TRY SAYING: I see.

INSTEAD OF: Blow me.



TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.

INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!



TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.

INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.



TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.



TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.



TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.



Thank You,

Human Resources

Giant Cadbury Chocolate

I cant believe my eyes!!!!!!!!!!
This is freaking BIG!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn you!!!! I WANT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday Jokes

A little boy was on the footpath, playing with shit.
A postman rode up and asked him what he was doing."I'm making a postman!" the kid declared.
Then a little old lady came up and asked him what he was doing.
The little boy replied, "I'm making a little old lady!"
The old lady was so disgusted that she went to the local cop shop and reported the little boy.
A short while later, a big policeman strolled down and approached the boy.
"G'day, little fella," he said. I know what you're doing - your making a policeman."
The little boy looked up at the cop and smiled.
"Fuck off!" he said. "I ain't got enough shit for that!"