Monday Jokes

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for hisfree sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If heguessed correctly, he would get his free sex.The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close.The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled infor a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor againgave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Theredneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged my wife won twice last week."

Monday Jokes

A young lad asked an old man how he became so rich.

The old man replied, "Well, son, it was 1932 and the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel, so I invested it in an apple. I spent an entire day polishing that apple and at the end of the day, I sold it for a dime. So the next day I bought two apples. I polished them all day and sold them at the end of the day for two dimes. I continued doing this for a month, and by the end of that month, I had accumulated a total, minus expenses of course, of $4.00."

"And then what?" the lad asked.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars!"

Monday Jokes

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff) , and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems.

"I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!"

The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

Monday Jokes

This fellow named Sam has been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing 'em. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont - as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...havin' a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."

"Great," Sam says, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.

As Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem...after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do that with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn!" Sam thinks, "tough crowd...sounds like the Redwood Run."

"Well," he says, "I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties too."

"Now that is not a problem," says Sam, "remember, I've been alone for six months. I'll definitely be there! By the way...what should I wear to the party?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want...it's just gonna be the two of us."