Monday Jokes

Dave returned home late and found a naked man
with a hard-on in his wife's bedroom closet.

"Hey, what the fuck are you doing in there?"

"I'm riding a bus."

"That's a fucking stupid thing to say!"

"Well, that's a fucking stupid thing to ask!"

Monday Jokes

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need? As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one... Wait! Make it MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"

Monday Jokes

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her
hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman
approached her and said:

"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that
your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the
gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,
anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought
this hat yesterday!"

Si Putih shivering...

Been feeling Si Putih was shaking and vibrating alot lately. So, send him in for a checkup and this is the caused for his "shiverings"

This eventually came off like that.

Monday Jokes

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment
building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out, when
suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge,
plummeting to her death.. "Oh, shit!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die."
Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into
the air, catching the woman. Delirious from shock, the woman shouted "Oh, thank
you! You saved my life, thank you!"
The man replied "Do you suck?" Stunned at this, the woman said "No, I
don't suck!"
And with that, the man let go of her in the air. "Shit!" the woman
thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another set of man's arms grabbed her
on the 9th floor.
"Thank God!" she screamed. " I would have died except that!" The man
asked "Do you fuck?" Absolutely aghast at the question, the woman answered "No, I
don't fuck!"
Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling
again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms
stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted "I suck! I
fuck!"
"Slut..." the man said....and dropped her.

Monday Jokes

Malay Poem:

Sajak ini dicipta oleh kartunis Ujang dan telah dideklemasikan di UKM pada
tahun 1992.

Atuk Merdeka

Cucuku,
Kau ingin menjadi apa bila dewasa nanti?

Atukku,
Aku ingin menjadi kayu.

Jika kau menjadi kayu,
Jadilah kayu golf,
Disebut kayu tetapi besi,
Diulit Dato', tauke dan menteri,
Jangan kau menjadi kayu tunggul.

Cucuku,
Kau ingin menjadi apa bila dewasa nanti?

Atukku,
Aku ingin menjadi pagar.

Jika kau menjadi pagar,
Jadilah pagar karan,
Dipicit suis power berjalan,
Dirempuh diusik, boleh pengsan,
Jangan kau jadi pagar makan padi.

Cucuku,
Kau ingin menjadi apa bila kau besar nanti?

Atukku,
Aku ingin menjadi mangkuk.

Jika kau menjadi mangkuk,
Jadilah mangkuk purba zaman batu,
Buruan ahli arkeologi setiap waktu,
Membawa bukti tamadun dan ilmu,
Jangan kau menjadi mangkuk hayun.

Cucuku,
Kau ingin menjadi apa bila kau dewasa nanti?

Atukku,
Aku ingin menjadi bintang.

Jika kau menjadi bintang,
Jadilah bintang di langit,
Tiada boleh ditukar wang ringgit,
Tidak boleh dijolok dikait,
Jangan kau menjadi bintang tiga.

Cucuku,
Kau ingin menjadi apa bila dewasa nanti?

Atukku,
Aku ingin menjadi seluar dalam.

Jika kau menjadi seluar dalam,
Jadilah seluar dalam Superman,
Sarung di luar nampak gentleman,
Tiada manusia memberi komen,
Jangan kau menjadi seluar dalam model playboy.

Cucuku,
Kau ingin menjadi apa bila dewasa nanti?

Atukku,
Aku ingin MERDEKA.

Jika kau ingin MERDEKA ,
Lupakan tentang perarakan di Dataran Merdeka,
Simpanlah budget kereta berhias dan pentas lintas hormat,
untuk membeli kayu,
untuk membeli pagar,
untuk membeli mangkuk,
untuk membeli bintang,
untuk membeli seluar dalam,
untuk membeli MERDEKA.

MERDEKA, MERDEKA, MERDEKA !!!

Monday Jokes

A woman was shopping in a furniture store for a new mattress.
As she bent over to examine the tenth mattress she had
considered, she suddenly let out a horrendous fart.

"Excuse me," she said, embarrassed, to the clerk who was
helping her.

"Heck, I'm used to it, lady," he said. "When you see the price
on that one, your gonna shit!"

Monday Jokes

Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.

Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go
out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Monday Jokes

A brunette, a red head, and a blonde were having a very interesting
conversation and it got around to their daughters. The brunette said, "I
went in my daughter's room the other day and found a pack of cigarettes,
I didn't even know she smoked!" The red head said, "I went in my
daughter's room and found a half-empty bottle of vodka! I didn't even
know she drank!" Then the blonde burst out and said, "I went in my
daughter's room and found a pack of condoms, half-empty, I didn't even
know she had a penis!"

Monday Jokes

DEAR MADAM:
THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR
SEX TOYS WEBSITE.
YOU'VE REQUESTED THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS
FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM.
THAT'S OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

Monday Jokes

A blonde calls the Delta Airlines and asks, "can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York city"?

The agent replies, Just a minute . . .

"Thank you" the blonde says, and hangs up.

Monday Jokes

A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of
his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other
ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"

Monday Jokes

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

Monday Jokes

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands
him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu.
Just
bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order
from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish
pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table
and
hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a
deep breath. "Ahh, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed
potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards
the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her
what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings
him a menu again. "Sir, remember ? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I
didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again
retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another
deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the
macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in
disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him
and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going
to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Amy, rub this fork on your
panties before I take it to the blind man." Amy complies and hands her
husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the
owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered
you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the
fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,

"Hey! I didn't know that Amy worked here!"

Monday Jokes

On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl.

Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his penis.

He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.

Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion. Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said, "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away".

Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time.

He went to Dr. Chu Wong. Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said

"These Amadican Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop chop. Amputation not necesally."

Joe was relieved.

Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own."

Monday Jokes

One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head
hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as
'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head
hog at the trough'!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the
building fund...."

To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig
just walked in!"

Monday Jokes

Two men were grumbling over their problems. The first man said, "My
wife left me for a man who drives an ice cream truck."

His friend began to ask, "You mean..."

"Yeah," the first guy replied. "She left me for Mr. Softy."

Monday Jokes

Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

Monday Jokes

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave
Surprised by this unusual behavior, the group asked the standing bat: "What the heck are you doing down there?"
And the bat shouts back: "Yoga!"

Monday Jokes

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: 'What's that?' Lady 2: 'A condom.'
Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'
Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.'
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her skin of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter, she replies, "As long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

Whats on My Mind

Monday Jokes

An old guy went to his doctor and said, "I have this toilet problem doc."
"Well," replied the doc, "How's your urination?"
"Every morning at 7am - like a baby!" said the old man.
"Good," replied the doc, "How about your bowel movements?"
"8am every morning - like clockwork!" answered the old guy.
"So what's the problem then?" asked the doc.
"Well," replied the old man, "I don't get up till 9am!"

IP Man 2

Just Cant Wait!!!

Daily Rant @ 25th March 2010

I'm in a joyous mood yesterday as i had completed most of my work and could leave office as early as 7pm.

And......that mood didnt last long till i had this in front of me.

Malaysia memang BEST! Pay toll also have to jam.

Luckily this is my view....the Big arse of a BMW and accompanied by the sweet vocals from

Well, how bad can it be. Jam is normal in KL.

And suddenly this light starts to lit up.


Well, Si Putih have something up for me. I'll rant it later.

Rempits

We humans are creative

New LOOK!!

Alright...it's time for a refreshing my blog a bit.

Hope to have more time to update.

Get ta ya'll soon.

Monday Jokes

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a
package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday,
ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are
these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed t! he boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....."

Monday Jokes

A movie producer had called together several big name celebs to kick some
ideas around. The project was an action docu-drama about famous composers
featuring Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwarzenegger in the leading roles.

The producer really wanted the box office 'oomph' of these three, and was
prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play
him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."

Things were going well; the producers were pleased.

"Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach." replied Arnold.

Monday Jokes

Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother
came in to see what was the matter. "I have to make pee pee", wailed
Little Johnny.
"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."
"No" insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."

"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother
firmly."
"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake." replied Little Johnny.

2010 Chinese New Year

Happy Happy CNY!!!!

Alrite ppl, i would like to wish everyone a haapy and prosper in this Tigerous Year!!!

ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!



oppss....Happy Valentines too.!!

Monday Jokes

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

Monday Jokes

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love." the husband told his counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?" said the doctor.

"Not at all," the dejected man replied, "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, the house is always neat and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me watch what I want on the TV and she never objects to kinky sex or say's she has a headache!"

"So what is the problem then?" asked the doctor.

"Well," said the man, "I may be being a little too sensitive, but at night, when she thinks I'm asleep, she puts her lips to my ear and whispers, "Die! Die, you son of a bitch!"

Monday Jokes

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I Must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents Her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."